Jonathan and I spent our teen and college years dating around, but never finding the person we knew God had for us. Some came close but no one was ever perfect. For a year after my last relationship ended, in the beginning of 2010, I knew things had to change. I had been in two serious relationships and gotten engaged to both guys after a year and a half. But I knew deep-down that I was settling. After meeting various guys and going on a few dates, I knew this was NOT the way I was going to meet the love of my life! I had always thought that EHarmony was a cool idea cause I'm "into" all that personality-type stuff. So I decided- what harm could come from it? So onto EHarmony I went. It was an interesting experience from day one. I met one guy I clicked with but after visiting him, WOW. NOT for me! :) I casually talked to other ones but some I clicked with politics on, religion or even just on a "friend" level. It passed the time if nothing else. Finally, around the middle of December I decided that since my subscription was ending in 2 weeks, I would only talk to ONE more person. The next day "Jonathan- Fort Wayne, IN" asked to "communicate" with me by asking 5 questions. I looked at his profile. He was REALLY cute! He was in the Army, something I have always envisioned myself in, strangely, cause I love moving around. He was a Christian. And everything he had to say on his short profile was really perfect. Even though I had this weird feeling of an instant connection, I knew better than to get ahead of myself. I had spent my life getting ahead of myself and having to clean up the pieces afterwards. But I decided within minutes, THIS handsome guy, would be the last one I would communicate with on EHarmony. So I accepted his questions.
You can tell a lot from the questions someone asks (all provided for you, but you have to select them, one by one) in their questions. You can tell what they care about. You can tell what's important to them, since you can only ask 5 at this stage. You can tell how serious someone is about a relationship- i.e. looking for fun or looking for lifelong love/ marriage. And, for people who think this way, you can tell if you are compatible, just by seeing if you chose similar questions to ask. I actually got to the point where I would not continue communication with someone if they asked me a few specific questions. One question I HATED receiving was
"16. Your idea of adventure is:
A: whitewater rafting
B: karaoke singing
C: trying a different route to work
D: ordering a dish you've never tried before"
I have done all of these things, but I don't necessarily consider any of them daring, didn't like/don't like all of them. I just flat out never understood how to answer this question! I still don't! Some other sample questions were:
14. Where do you see yourself living in 15 years?
A: a nice apartment in the city
B: a house in the suburbs
C: a house in a small town
D: a house in the country
15. If you were to marry, how many children would be ideal?
A: 0
B: 1
C: 2
D: 3 or more
6. Which of the following marriage issues do you fear most?
A: fear of growing apart
B: fear of marrying the wrong person
C: fear of becoming "your parents"
D: fear of being hurt
or
12. What best describes your parents' relationship towards each other:
A: married and loving
B: married but distant
C: divorced and civil
D: divorced and abusive
I asked these sort of questions. When looking for a spouse, I don't care if you want to go whitewater rafting. I don't care if you are adventurous in what types of dishes you order when out! AT ALL! And I don't really care for someone who is interested in learning those sorts of things about me. The purpose of EHarmony was for me to find love. It was for me to get to know someone and find someone who was my soulmate, without getting attached them on some other level, before getting to know them. I left both past serious relationships realizing that though I LOVED both boys, I didn't even LIKE them!!! I fell head-over-heels before I even knew them. And I could not let that happen again. EHarmony is the perfect place to find love for someone like me. A hopeless romantic!
The second stage of communication is "Must Haves/Can't Stands". This was not the most helpful in CHOOSING whom to continue with, but it was definitely helpful in CHOOSING whom not to continue getting to know. Some guys would put "Overweight" as one thing they couldn't stand. That would bother me, not because I am overweight, but because I would be left wondering what it was you were looking for! Is it a supermodel? What about if your wife gets pregnant and doesn't lose the baby weight quickly? Etcetera. Where are your priorities? One thing I did always look for was someone who's "Must Haves" list included something on religion- relationship with God, Spiritual Compatibility, etc.
The third stage is Open-Ended questions. That is 3 questions that you can either choose from a list or you can make your own. Some good ones, in my opinion, included:
- Besides love, what is one trait you have noticed in couples that have maintained a successful relationship for many years?
- Looking back on your life, of what are you most proud?
- What is one dream for your life, you most look forward to having come true?
- How important is it to you that your partner fulfill traditional gender roles? Would you like a woman who will cook, shop and keep house? Would you like a man who maintains cars, manages the finances, and is handy around the house?
The fourth and final stage of communication is OPEN communication! If i reached this point with someone, I needed to go back and look over the questions and answers again and make sure that I really wanted to begin emailing/messaging with this person. Would there be anything to talk about? Would the conversation flow? Would he ask for my phone number the first day? It was a pretty big deal to continue past this point. We had gone through all 3 stages and entered the 4th in 4 days. I would answer him in the morning and he would respond at night. What was a big issue with guys in the past on EHarmony was when communication would occur once a week. So it would take 4 weeks just to start TALKING! No, thank you. That just proves you are MUCH too busy for a relationship if you don't even have a moment to get online. But then I also didn't like when someone was so available only 2 minutes would elapse between my sending questions and his response. Desperate :) But at this point, with Jonathan, all I was hoping for was that he was actually telling the truth! It was all already too perfect. But that had happened already and it didn't turn out well. So I continued trying to just keep any hopes or emotions at bay. I showed his profile to my sister the morning after we started emailing and she said "Oh, he's so cute! Not like HOT, cute, but like the boy-next-door- so- sweet cute!" It was important to me to hear that from her. His first email was this, to begin out open communication,
"How in the world are you still single!?!? ;)
So what did you study in college? What do you like to do for fun? Yay for questions. :P You work with kids, right? How is that? How was your Christmas?
-Looking forward to hearing from you,
Jonathan"
It was the PERFECT first communication. It was short, sweet, opened with the perfect compliment, that seemed legitimate and not overboard, and asked PLENTY of relevant questions for me to answer to get the conversation rolling! And the closing was nice, cause it let me know he was excited to hear from me, but not sitting there pining away, counting down the minutes. I think I probably just closed the computer and had to walk away for an hour or two cause I was too excited to write :) Emailing with him was SO exciting because everything we talked about was very heavy, just the way I liked it, none of this "what's your day been like"- but rather, acknowledging, "hey, were on this dating site. Obviously we aren't looking for a friend. Lets actually get to know each other!" Another great thing was that EVERY morning I woke, and knew that he had emailed me. It was like waking up on Christmas morning, knowing that your presents are under the tree. Only, honestly, better! There was always a message in my inbox in the morning. He confessed to me later that he actually would read my messages when he woke up but that he wouldn't write me back until the night time! But he had enough sense not to tell me that until much later :) Its not like I never had trouble sleeping and would check just to see if he had messaged me yet!
Our conversations were long and we covered politics, religion, marriage, kids, previous relationships, the future. We talked about everything. And there were no lulls in the conversation of any sort. Our first communication began on December 24 and we moved from email and minimal texting to the phone on January 6th, at his request. I was FREAKING out when he called and I could tell he was nervous because he was very talkative. Its nerve-wracking to talk on the phone for the first time because obviously you have no ability to pause and erase something you wrote and you have to keep conversation flowing smoothly. I remember purposefully telling my aunt, who I was visiting that I wanted to watch a movie with her in 1 hour. That was my out. If the convo got weird or boring I could let him know I had to go watch a movie with her. But it never got weird. It was wonderful! He was so animated and had so much to say and I felt totally comfortable. Over the next five days we talked for hours everyday. It was probably a few of the most exciting days of my life. Just so I don't get too long-winded Im going to jump ahead a bit.
Over a text message Jonathan said that he had Spring Break coming up in March and that if I had thought about meeting or something, he would be totally game. I knew that it needed to happen before anything could move forward or I could talk "relationship" with him, even though I had totally fallen for him. I needed to see him in person, see if there was chemistry, see I we were attracted to each other, see if we had fun together. That's crucial, OBVIOUSLY. So we decided that at the end of January Jonathan would fly down to Florida and stay with family friends of ours for four days. Neither of us wanted to wait until March :) The last night of the trip, my mom let him stay at our house, even though she was firmly against it until she met him. "He's gonna be a pastor!" I would tell her. "It doesn't matter. You met him on the internet, who knows WHO he really is!"
When I met Jonathan at the airport (I brought my friend, in case he was a crazy person!) my first thought was "Wow, he's short." He was my same height, an inch taller actually. And though I knew that, I never pictured it in real life. He was also VERY red-faced. He was SO nervous and it was written all over his face! I actually even said to him, after we had hugged and started walking to baggage, "Its ok, you can calm down." I felt really bad for him! I was so calm. Going out to lunch with a friend gave me more anxiety than meeting him. It was really weird! I think I just knew it was gonna be okay! And then I thought "Wow, hes really cute!" He looked really hot in his ARMY shirt, ARMY sweatshirt and camo backpack. I think he was playing up the Army thing cause he knew I thought it was hot, even though I had never said that!
The next few days FLEW by! We had so much fun together and it was always so comfortable. I felt like we had been dating for years. We just hung out at my house like he had known my family forever. On the second night we were together we were sitting on the couch, waiting to leave for dinner with my family. No one was home but we didn't have to leave quite yet. He had a really funny look on his face and was acting weird. I was like "why are you looking at me like that?" He said "Im trying to decide whether or not I should kiss you." To which I responded, "Well you can." To which he immediately responded, "Oh. Im not asking for permission." I think my eyes probably bulged out of my head and my face would have been very red, had I not been wearing makeup. But then he smiled and leaned over and kissed me. It was the perfect first kiss. Short, sweet, gentle. And of course, he didn't have bad breath. Which is VERY important. I think two more days went by, or maybe one and we were sitting outside in my car before I was going to take him to where he was staying. We kissed a few times and were talking and then he said "I know its kinda soon and kinda sudden, and Im not expecting you to say anything back, but I want you to know that Im in love with you." I think my heart stopped. It was so precious :)
I had told myself for weeks awaiting his arrival and for the entire time we spent together that I would NOT decide I was "in love" or "not in love" or even if I wanted to be together, until I had spent the majority of the time of the visit, with him. Since we still had one full day to spend together, I decided to withhold anything I had to say. I think I just smiled and kissed him.
I did end up telling him that I loved him too. I just don't remember how. But it was at the end of the trip. We made another plan to see each other again soon. He decided to come for my birthday. My birthday was February 22 and he came that weekend. On March 2, 2011, after my grandmother practically begged him to take her 2.10 carat antique diamond ring, to propose to me with, he woke me up after a nap and was holding it in my face :) I knew he was going to propose soon and I knew without a doubt that he was the man for me! We played around with wedding dates and decided, Why not get married at the beginning of the summer? We will have the whole summer to spend getting to know each other better and spending time together that we would not have together if we continued living across the country from each other. Being Christians, neither of us believe in divorce, except in the cases of abuse. And we both believe that marriage is not something you must commit to, thinking you know everything about a person. You spend your entire life getting to know each other better and who is to say that spending 8 hours a day talking to each other, you couldn't possibly know each other as good as a couple who dated for 2 years, saw eachother once or twice a week and usually went on dates to the movies? Really, what is knowing someone "enough?" I think that is for each couple to decide. I met his family in March and loved them. And we decided to wait to announce our engagement until it was almost time to get married, to the public, to defend against any negativity. We didn't want this special time to be ruined by reminders of pasts or others opinions.
On April 31, we spent 21 hours driving from Florida to Fort Wayne, IN and I moved into our apartment. I would live there for less than a month, until our wedding date and then Jonathan would move in, after we were married. On May 21, 2011, I married the love of my life. We had about 30 people in attendance, which was exactly how we wanted it. We only wanted our best friends and family. We felt it was such a personal, emotional and special moment in our lives we only wanted to share it with those closest to us.
After getting married, in May we talked about having babies and when would be ideal. Neither one of us has ever been of the mindset that we should be in control of that. Not that we are against birth control in every form, but I will never take birth control pills. I don't agree with what most of them do and the ones that I do, well I don't want to mess with my body in that way. I believe that every life is a gift from God and I do not know what is best for my life, but God does. We only can see the past and guess about our futures. So many people say they are waiting to have kids until they get to know each other better. Well, we believe that is what you spend your whole life doing. And there is no amount of getting to know one another that will prepare for the change in roles after having a baby. Some say they are waiting until they are more financially stable. Well, that's a nice idea, but what if you relied on your own wisdom as to what was stable and finally reached the point where you felt comfortable, only to get pregnant and then lose your job? What then? Doesn't God say he will not allow the righteous to stumble and fall? All in all, we wanted to trust God to give us a baby when the time was right. Because he sees and knows all and we trust that when he gives us a baby, he will also provide us with the means to provide for ourselves and that baby. We did not want to trust in our own wisdom. That is not meant as a judgement on others and their decisions, that is just the way we felt about it. I got pregnant with our son Jonny (Jonathan Eberhardt Shaw III) the second month we were married.
My husband was in seminary in Fort Wayne, IN at Concordia Theological Seminary. Just like his grandfather and dad before him, he wanted to be a Chaplain in the U.S. Army. It was a hard decision for him because he also has a strong sense of justice and a desire to be out in the thick of things, fighting for our freedom and what he believes in. He was forced to choose the Active Duty officer route or the Chaplaincy/Seminary route at the end of college. He chose the Chaplaincy and thus we were in Fort Wayne, IN. We traveled a lot in the first year of marriage. We went to Fort Leavenworth, Kansas in July (right before I found out I was pregnant) and then traveled to Iowa and Wisconsin to visit Jonathan's family for his grandmother's 80th birthday. Then we went back to Leavenworth after and I flew back home to FL. I traveled to Kenya, Africa for 2 weeks, to visit my sister/missionary at an Aids orphanage run by Kids Alive. That was an extremely difficult trip/time. Not only was I away from my new husband for almost 3 weeks, but I was 7-9 weeks pregnant and sicker than I imagined I could be. All the early pregnancy symptoms hit me like a semi. And I was alone, without my hubby. When I got back to FL, I visited with my family for a week and then I flew to Montauk, Long Island, NY to nanny two kids I had worked with for a few years. That was only a few days and then I went to West Point to finish out Jonathan's month long "practicum" with the Army. We were there for one week TOGETHER, and then we went to see NYC, NY and stay with his dad's brother. That was for a few days and then we drove home when a hurricane was due to hit that area. We were in Fort Wayne for a few months. I worked two jobs and Jonathan attended classes at seminary. It was a hard time for him, though, because he was struggling frequently with his decision to be a Chaplain and not a regular officer. Although I wanted to live the Army life and felt eager to "get a move on" our life and stop living a sort of paused existence, with minimal income, and a small apartment, I never encouraged him one way or the other. This was his decision. I never wanted to put forth what I WANTED, just to have him end up unhappy or not where God wanted him. So after two months he decided he needed a break from seminary and he decided to get orders to finish Chaplain Officer Basic in Fort Jackson, SC. He had down the first 6 weeks, but still needed to do the second six weeks. We also realized that it would be much better to do this NOW, rather than when we had a child or two in a few years and he had to leave for over a month. So, he got a slot in CHBOLC and off we went to South Carolina October 28. While we were there I decided to spend some of the time seeing my family in FL around Thanksgiving. Jonathan came a little later and we spent a few days together with my family. I was close to my family in VA so I decided to go there for a bit. I went there and Jonathan came on the weekend. Then we spent a couple more weeks in SC and home we went. We were home in FTW for 2 days so I could have an OB appointment, I needed to get and then we immediately left for Fort Leavenworth to spend Christmas and New Years with his family. While we were in SC we decided we should try and get out of our apartment and find a house to rent for the next few years in seminary since we were gonna need a little more space. We found a 3 bd, 2 bth house to rent for the same price as our tiny apartment and when we got home in January we hauled all of our stuff from our apartment to our new house! But little did we know, we wouldn't spend very long in our house. We would be gone by the end of the summer. Off to start a totally NEW and exciting adventure!!! First comes love, then comes marriage... THEN COMES BABY in a baby carriage! Stay tuned for more! ;)
And now some photos!
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| Jonathan and I taking out engagement photos the day before our wedding! This photo shoot started out grumpy but then we got happy! It was a stressful time! |
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| These photos were taken with our "free" Eharmony gift for congratulations on our engagement. We figured we had to take some for laughs and then when we saw how they came out, we decided we needed to send them in, in case they wanted to use us for a success story! |
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| This is when he "kissed the bride!" One of the best moments of my life! |
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| My handsome groom and his best man talking about what I lucky girl I am! And I agree! |
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| I just love this photo! The colors and weather were so gorgeous that day! And it didn't start raining until we were leaving the reception! |
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| This is my hubby's favorite photo. He thinks he looks spiffy! I think it looks like a photo shoot! Both so serious and looking off into the distance! |
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| I think this is the coolest picture from our wedding photos. My sister said she saw a bridge at the last minute, on the campus where our wedding was that would be perfect for pictures. I wasn't convinced until I got there. I don't know how much I would have loved all of our photos without this part of the shoot! How perfect? |
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| At our reception. It was great. So small and personal and special! The food was all so delicious and so was the cake that our friend made! |
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| This is my favorite photo of us, I think. Its just so normal but beautiful. My in-laws have an amazing camera and I think it could not have been taken at a better moment. I love my hubby's face in this photo too. No cheesy or forced smiles. Just, him. |
I love this, and I love you!!! <3
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